Power is Agony

In summary,

I'm sorry,

In detail,

I got to see parts of the beginning of 'Spirited Away'. Looks like a great movie, buuuut...
When I see things that remind me of how I treated someone, and how I treated them badly, it makes me really sad. My only existing defense to avoid crying like a damned baby is to distract myself with work. If I can be tasked, I can usually forget and ignore those kinds of severe pains.

However, this one seems different, it is hard to explain. It's as if I, in a past life or even an alternate universe really hurt someone I cared about; it would be something similar to killing your mother in front of your little sister whom you made watch, and telling her it was okay, and everything was going to be fine as you burned the corpses. You knew what you did was right, at least at the moment, but as time passed, it became obvious how horrible and sadistic of a person you were, not only to things that deserved it, but directly translated to all things. Lost in a world where no one can either stop or control you, with no guidance or correct answers, there is nothing left you can do, nowhere to escape your apparently assigned fate.

Let me put this another way, if you have a gray area, like so many of life's decisions are, how do you rationalize your choice? The correct answer, is you can't. There ARE right answers, but you can't always see or even choose them. In the mind of a killer, like me, taking someone else's life is not wrong, because nothing IS wrong unless you define it as such. Other people trying to tell me that murder is wrong are not thinking about it correctly; There is no ambiguous, universal good or bad, those are merely ideological representations of what we have decided as a sentient society to obey in order to preserve order, and ourselves. Knowing this is critical, so I restate it simpler:

"There is no right or wrong. There is only do."

So back to what bothers me, apparently, my alternate self hurt a friend that I care about today, but, well, circuimstances have changed, and due to things beyond my control I can never talk to that friend again, and as a result I can never apologize or atone for my sins. Now I have the rest of my entire life to live and bleed this curse, professing it to any who will listen.

It's even more confusing to me, as I investigate the lifecycle of one of my own characters; A powerful being allowed to do nearly anything, chained to a simple job, and eventually, thanks to external forces, caused him to fail, and he, single handedly, was responsible for the murder of all the people on his homeworld, his entire family, and himself. I, however, WAS that external force. It was decided, outside of this small bump in the road, that it was to be this way, and nothing could ever stop it. I tried to stop it, since it was a friend of mine, but, ultimately, what I did was load the gun and point it, and made my friend pull the trigger.

This kind of manipulation is downright evil; But what are you to do about it? If you have the power to change the fate of an entire univese, do you do it at the cost of all the others? Does billions of people suffering and dying in a flaming hell bother you? Does it even matter, since that would happen ultimately anyways? Where is this fence? Where are the bounds to this situation we are in? What is keeping these powers from exploding outward, and collapsing in on themselves? Who is in control?

The answer is simple. No one. Everything is only physical. All existence and perception is merely emergent behavior from a simple and well defined system. This is the way it began, and this is the way it will end. No matter how many people, creatures, machines, or even galaxies there are, everything is made of the exact same rules. The rules allow lots and lots of interesting variations, and all things can be explained by them. If you want the quick explaination, Chaos does not exist, it is a modeling tool only.

But, as you may know by now, when you are really powerful, like me, you can lie to yourself.

There's no extra charge to be happy!

Cheers to you, buddy.



I'm sorry.

-Z